Hello...just returned from our visit to Madison. We saw Dr. Rose, my oncologist, to get results from last week's CT scan. We also saw Dr. Cleary, my pain doctor, to see how we're going to overcome this pain.

First - Dr. Rose. The results from the CT scan were a bit "not good" (forgive my English). The tumors in my lungs are growing and there are more of them. All in perspective, though. Dr. Rose showed me the CT scan itself because he wants us to understand what he sees and put it all in the proper perspective (as a way of finding some good out of all this, I'm sure!). The tumors are small in comparison to the overall size of the lungs. It's like looking at the night sky and seeing the stars. Some "stars" are tumors; some are not. He said some folks have lots of tumors; I do not. But the ones I do have are growing. The tumors in the pelvic region are not growing - they are stable; as are the lymph nodes in the pelvic region. All stable. That is fabulous. Great news there...but that is where all the pain is. Just can't figure it out. Anyway, the tumor growth in the lungs disqualifies me from continuing in the clinical study. The current chemo will end - no treatment today.

It appears I have 3 options: One is to find another chemo to try. Dr. Rose says that by the time a person gets to this point in treatment, finding another chemo to work is slim to none - about 10-15% chance that any other chemo will work. He said any "magic bullets" (not the food processor thing from QVC) are used right away, not saved up for later. Another option is to stop chemo all together, find something to do with this pain and live my merry life. The third option - and the one we chose - is to stop chemo for a time, aggressively deal with the pain to get it under control, then in a month or so, continue on with chemo (still with the same 10-15% chance of working). Dr. Rose said that this cancer, after months of watching, seems to be a slow-growing cancer and putting off chemo for a time will probably not do any further harm. Probably not. No one knows, for sure, this side of heaven, do they? Of course not!!

We are disheartened, to say the least. Don said something today about being put through the ringer - I guess so!

Then we saw the pain doctor. He is throwing the whole box of candy at me for this one. I'm taking everything to the max - the Neurontin, the morphine, the compazine, the Zofran, the motion-sickness patch, and anything else I have that I cannot think of. By the time we meet together for church on Sunday morning, I may be a complete zombie!!! Maybe not - maybe I'll be pain-free and thrilled!!!! We go back to Cleary next Tuesday for evaluation and adjustments. Something has to work - nothing is so far, not completely anyway. I'm not sleeping much, not eating much (lost another 8 pounds since Dec. 7th - yipee!!!) and generally physically done in, just about.

Believe it or not, all in all, our spirits are good. Don is struggling and beside himself simply because he does not know how else to help me. The pain thing has taken its toll on us both and he's ready for some relief. His nerves are shot!! But our spirits are good. God has blessed us with wonderful family and delightful friends and church family - all of which are a huge blessing. He has blessed us with peace that passes understanding time and time again. We are grateful for His care.

Thank you for holding us up in prayer today - we feel the calm and quiet of the Holy Spirit, we feel the love of our Father gently carrying us, we know, beyond feelings, that we are loved and cared for. God will not leave us or forsake us, even though days seem uncertain. God is NOT uncertain, the days may be, but God is not.

Love you, each one...
Don & Deb